A student recently told me about a book by Rhaina Cohen called “The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center”. The book is full of great insights, and although I am not quite done, I am really enjoying it. The premise is simply this: what if our closest friend were, in essence, our primary partners in life?
It’s not the first time I have contemplated this, but Cohen really digs into the fallacies of the idea that a sexual/romantic partner must be the center of our lives, or that this is the best way to live.
Years ago when I was working at a university in Hartford, a former student of mine was part of a progressive community that bought a mansion on one of the finest streets in Hartford. Their cooperative living was inspiring. They had taken methods from intentional communities elsewhere and had a whiteboard for jobs, a routine for cleaning the house, and community meetings once a week.
Unfortunately, their wealthy neighbors did not share this view. They were disturbed by the idea of so many people living in the home, despite the fact that the community members were quiet, clean and did not disrupt the neighborhood. It is also notable that many of the homes the disgruntled neighbors lived in were thousands of square feet and only inhabited by 2 or 3 people, creating a huge carbon footprint.
Rumors abounded. The house was inhabited by a cult. There was rampant sex, or drug use, surely. In the end, the neighbors pressed charges under an archaic law meant to prohibit brothels, and they won.
I was saddened and angered by this. But then, as now, it also sparked much thought. Why do we live the way that we live? I have often wondered if the main reason that couples tire of each other sexually is because they so often live together, even when they are not necessarily compatible as housemates.
As Cohen asks, why must we live with those we love, particularly if there are no children involved, or being planned for? Friendships, which do not bear the weight of so much expectation, often last longer with fewer pressures than romantic connections do. Wouldn’t it make just as much sense to consider a best friend as a life partner?
The book is full of stories of friends who made life commitments to each other for health, for parenting, for finances and for companionship. The issues stray into territories often inhabited by polyamorous folks, by asexual folks, and by LGBTQ folks. Who do we make commitments to, and why? Do all life partnerships have to mean co-habitation? Is a friendship more reliable than a marriage? Perhaps it’s time to recalibrate our thinking.
